other things

i wonder if i'll ever find someone, but i also know to do that you have to be willing to be in a position that make you vulnerable. and i know this about myself, that i, don't do that well at all. it's not a good color on me and i don't like the way it fits. i've tried it out, kept it on for a few months and it did nothig but shrink...stick to my skin...so much so that i had to try and scrub it all away. three months of drinking in the heat and falling into another person's clamy hands didn't help. his ability to try and take control of the situationthat was made crystal clear to him at our first "date" made me realize that i cannot be careless when it comes down to it. i never have been and will be. all my life i've been ahead of my time. in my mind. and i don't mean that in a sense that i'm smarter and or better than anyone. that's not it...what i mean is that my thoughts were not that of someone my age. when i was five i thought that people would like me more if i had blond hair and blue eyes. not the case. i've been the quirky-funny-witty-little-black-girl all my life. i'm small in stature. not in heart. not in the way i love. not in the way i hope,fight,fear,cry,feel,or just be. i am not small at all. and one day some guy will love me for it. he'll love the gap in my teeth, the scars on my stomach,my love of cheesey pop music and pop culture, the way my hair curls when it's humid, how every michael bolton song i hum turns into a luther vandrose song somehow. and after noticing all of these things about me without my telling him......we know we won't have to go/do anything at all but sit in the same room with one another and be grateful for that. one day this will happen for me. and i'm no longer afraid of it. i love him already. i was raised believing that it's all ready for me. i just have to see it. i do. and it's fucking beautiful.